Relationship with my Body

Following my last post on the roller coaster ride of feeling better/feeling worse, I have gained more insight as to my topsy-turvy relationship with my body. 

I found myself resenting all the time and effort I put into healing my body. Over the years, I have accumulated an encyclopedic amount of tools and techniques for healing and there are constantly new ones coming into my radar. Hence, almost the entire day is spent caring for my body; it feels like a full-time job. I do enjoy some of these methods especially the movement ones as I have always loved moving (exercising vigorously in my young years), but then there is less time for social activities and for creativity which are also important to me. I feel like a mother whose 23-year old adult child is still living at home; I want them gone and out of the house so that I can focus on other things for a change and get back a normal adult life. 

I observed this resentment with curiosity as I went through the various modalities (Qi Gong, Yin Yoga, Essentrics, meditation, etc) and allowed for much self-compassion without changing my routine. I also felt fearful of not doing the exercises, feeling obliged to do them otherwise my body might complain (feel worse, exacerbate the sensations). 

Being non-judgmental about my emotions allowed me to gain an important insight and see that these same feelings about my body are the ones I have felt as a child growing up with an unpredictable bi-polar mother.  It seems that I have internalized my relationship with my mother and now, the one I fear and resent is my body rather than my mother. I am afraid of doing anything to cause it to blow up (increase the pain), I expect it to hurt me at any moment, I am angry that everything I do to try to please it and make it feel better has no positive return for me; no matter how much I try, I can’t seem to make headway. Exactly as it was back then with my mother, a complex relationship where there is a mixed-up kind of love. I love my body but it hurts me and yet I keep loving it and caring for it.

I also felt some resentment lingering even though I thought that I had forgiven my mother. If I remember that she is not the cause of my feelings and reactions but rather that she offered me the opportunity to regain my power and heal numerous past lives where these patterns occurred, then I know that our soul contract was created out of love, not hurt. Forgiveness is no longer needed because I know that there is only love, beyond the ego clashes we go through. I can also heal the child within by providing her, through imagination, the kind of mother she would have wanted. 

I want to transform this toxic relationship with my body and find the joy of being in this body of mine without fear or resentment. The sensations can change to pleasure. There is a fine line between ecstasy and pain, laughter and tears, fear and gentleness. I can change my topsy-turvy relationship into one of trust and companionship. I will do this through acceptance, appreciation,  and allowing. My body and I are destined for great peace, trust, and joy.

 

Letting go, the easy way

The path of surrender is the healing path. The more we let go of trying to control our bodies, our lives, other people, the more we flow with life and the easier it gets. However, I have found that letting go, no matter how many authors and speakers I have read or heard on the topic, is always a challenge. There is a lot of subtlety in surrendering; we can’t necessarily decide to let go as a mental exercise, it seems we need to actually feel whatever it is in order to release it for transformation. If I allow myself to feel the emotion that arises, how do I not descend into its depths and get lost? And if I release too quickly, am I pushing it away only to have it come back later? At what point am I wallowing and when is it that I actually release? These questions always come up when I am in struggle and negativity, desiring to surrender it.

I have found a very simple method that accomplishes all that I need in surrender; both the aknowledgement and the release happen without the wallowing and getting drowned or stuck, without the avoidance and pushing away. Very simply, when something comes up that needs clearing, I say to myself or to that part of me “I love you.” 

I am thereby seeing, hearing, and releasing into the light a prisoner of my unconsciousness. Immediately, there is a welcoming of the hurt part of me, there is a loving presence that washes over the hurt, and there is a distancing from it which allows me to see it as not me and thus to be able to let it go lovingly. No pushing against, no avoiding, no trying to change.  A simple presence of love that heals in the moment. 

Previously, the missing piece for me was the higher point of view. In saying “I love you” I become the Universe loving my self, my hurt child, my negative thought or belief. I feel the shift instantaneously and the surrender happens as if by magic. It is quick and efficient and I am back to my power self, my higher self, the one who knows my divine nature.

The more we love ourselves, the more we can love others and be the divine light bringing heaven to earth, clearing away the clouds of conditioning that have trapped us in negativity and suffering. 

I love you.

How to ask questions from the Soul Level

I learned from spiritual teacher Matt Kahn the importance of asking questions in a way that is more aligned with our soul than with ego. For instance, if the ego wants to know, “what is my life purpose,” or “how do I heal my body,” or “how do I resolve this conflict” these questions are coming from a place of lack where I don’t believe I have what I need and do not know the answer. Whereas in fact, the answer is always readily available from a higher perspective (asking Spirit Guides or Source).

All answers and solutions are actually available in the here and now because time, from the soul’s perspective, is not linear. The past, present, and future all exist in this moment. This concept is not one easily understood by the conceptual mind but an analogy that is helpful is that when we are watching a movie, at the beginning, we do not know the ending, however, the ending has already been filmed and therefore, has already happened. In this moment at the beginning, the middle and end of the movie are present but simply unknown to us. Similarly, the present moment contains in it the past and the future. This is why The Council (from saralandon.com) are always telling us that “you are everything you wish to be, you already are.”

Given that we are already everything we wish to be, then I am already healed and whole and in a state of total well-being. So in order for me to find out how I got there, I ask this question, from my soul’s perspective: “Thank you for reminding me what choices I made, what I did differently, to resolve this matter.”

It is also important to ask questions without looking for the answer. The power in the question isn’t in the answer but in the question itself. The mind will roam around looking for an answer if we let it but if we release the need to know right away, Life presents us either with direct knowledge that will come spontaneously, or with the energy and/or resolution which will happen on its own at the least expected moment and move us forward perfectly on our evolutionary path.

In the words of Mary O”Malley (from her book “What’s in the Way Is the Way”), “In some deep and profound way, the answer isn’t important. What is important is to simply ask the question, then bring your attention back to this immediate moment, allowing the question to work its magic from underneath your everyday awareness. Why is this so powerful? When you ask a question without looking for the answer, you are circumventing your mind and creating a space inside of you where the Intelligence of Life can be heard. It is guaranteed that Life will fill that space with the answer at the right time, for the energy of Life always fills a void.”

Here are some more examples of questions one can ask as suggested by Matt Kahn:

Thank you (my Spirit Guides, Source, etc) for reminding me of the life purpose I have already fulfilled.

Thank you Life, for reminding me of the healing that has already taken place.

Thank you Source, for reminding me of the Ascension that has already occurred.

Thank you Spirit, for reminding me of how aligned and grounded I already am.

 

Intentions for 2019

I intend to live this new year in gratitude, celebrating my body, following the path of joy, trusting that my Soul is orchestrating everything on my behalf, knowing that everything always works out for me.

1. I am the Light. The Light I am.
2. I welcome all that is within me with love and gratitude.
3. I choose the healing evolutionary path of Joy.
4. I choose to be in my True Power now, in this moment.
5. I choose to love and accept myself no matter what.
6. I let my body be and I focus on my well-being.
7. I honour and celebrate my body, my path, and who I am.
8. Do you feel the Power? Yes!

May 2019 be a year of Magic, Miracles, and Joy!

A New Focus: Well-Being

A while ago I decided to let go of the need for pain and actively started imagining a pain-free life; I actually felt grief as I contemplated everything good that this pain experience has brought me. I felt as if I was separating from a long-time partner that I dearly loved. It has been a 23-year relationship with pain as my partner day in day out. Honestly, strange as it may seem, the moments (sometimes hours or days) where the pain wasn’t there, I actually felt lonely. 

What happened next is that I met up with my saboteur, the part of me that is married to the pain and won’t let go. She kicked up a storm and the pain got much worse as I lost some mobility, which always frightens me. I realized that I may want to be pain-free but the pain serves an important role for me with many pay-offs and in fact, I do need the pain; it helps me set boundaries with others; it gives me clarity on what I want and don’t want; it allows me to “be” and release the need to “do” and be productive; it prevents me from taking risks, and from being lonely; it allows me to have a quiet stress-free lifestyle; it helps me evolve spiritually.   

Can I have all these benefits but without the need for pain? Part of me is scared that I’ll revert to the old me, the one who is a frantic people pleaser, the one who puts everyone else’s needs first, the one who ignores her own desires, the one who obsessively exercises and keeps busy all the time to fill a void. Can I promise the new me that I will move forward and keep evolving and transforming but this time through joy and laughter rather than through pain? Is that possible for me?

It is a decision that I am making, to move forward, not back to the old ways.  I have come too far to fall back. I have gained respect for my body and have learned to listen closely to my needs. 

These words from Matt Kahn have inspired me to change my focus:

“The reason why human beings manifest illness is to ultimately prove they are able to be absolutely happy and completely free — no matter the circumstances at hand. Illness is not a period of misfortune. It is not a sign of a low vibration or being out of alignment. It is not an indication that you are less than the glory of light that you are. 

Instead, it is an initiation of higher consciousness delivered into your reality to remove the layering of limiting beliefs that insist you cannot be all that you are until things become different. Once you are able to sense happiness and liberation, no matter the circumstances at play, you are able to be just as happy, joyful, and free beyond the perceived limitations of your experiences. 

May these words help you remember the importance of healing the body by nurturing and caring for the physical vessel as it transforms from dense matter into celestial light, while the mind is cleared of all self-defeating patterns and beliefs by giving you full access to happiness, joy, and freedom regardless of the cards you’ve been dealt. 

If you open up to the possibility that happiness, joy, and freedom are already alive within you and not the result of favorable outcomes, something deeper than the ups and downs of gains and losses awakens within your heart. 

In order for such a shift to occur, it is essential to consider, contemplate and celebrate how happy, joyful, and free you already might be. You don’t have to feel it or fake it in any way. Just consider the possibility and allow time to show you the way.” 

And so, I am making a new resolution, creating a new orientation for the next phase of my journey here on earth and that is to release the need to heal my body and to focus instead on my well-being. I have decided to look for ways to feel good inside myself no matter what sensations or emotions are inhabiting my body. My exploration continues in the field of health but it is about what well-being means in this new paradigm. My new affirmation:
I let my body be and I focus on my well-being.

In conclusion, here are wise words from one of my favorite poets, Dr. Seuss:

 

You have BRAINS in your head.

You have FEET in your shoes.

You can steer yourself 

any direction you choose!

My New Pain-free Life

Today is an auspicious day for manifesting; 11-11-11. I happened to glance at my computer’s clock at exactly 11:11am this morning and felt the power of these numbers at that synchronistic moment which was letting me know that it is time to connect to the energy and make my dreams a reality. In order to move into the next phase of my life and let go of the pain for good, I made a list of what it would be like to live pain-free. I felt into each one of the following points:

• I am joyful to be free of pain.
• I radiate high vibrations around me for all beings to enjoy.
• I have more energy for my creativity.
• It is easier to cook, shop, and do errands, and even possible to enjoy them.
• I can choose to be more active in my community.
• I can reconnect with physical activities that I love.
• I can handle stressful situations better.
• I am free to travel and do amazing fun workshops if I choose to.
• I am at peace with myself, all parts of me.
•  I have the energy and ability to beautify my home with de-cluttering and  creating a flower garden.

It is possible to connect into this 11-11-11 portal at other times as well so I will keep imagining my new pain-free life and feeling joyful and happy in my imagination. May we all create a new world with our imaginations, one where all beings live in joy and peace and love, healthy, happy, abundant. 

Falling in Love with my Body

The more love I give to my body, the more peace I feel within. I have decided to let go of the need to be pain-free and focus on letting my body be. I remember this line from an ee cummings poem, “let my body be,” and it keeps going through my head these days. So I am applying it by allowing my body to be in pain, to be tense, to express what goes on in my emotional body, for that is what is happening; the emotions long withheld are surfacing as pain. 

And yet, none of these emotions are mine. They are energy patterns I picked up as an empath not knowing what to do with them at the time. Now I know that I took them on because I couldn’t stand others being angry or upset or fearful and tried to release the people around me from uncomfortable emotions because I didn’t feel good unless they felt good. 

According to Matt Kahn, our mission as empaths is to feel the uncomfortable emotions others project or bury so as to release them from humanity thereby helping our world move towards higher vibrations and ultimately, ascension. In fact, nothing we think, feel, or experience belongs to us; we have done nothing wrong in thinking negative thoughts. We merely bring them forth to be released and that is a cause for celebration. 

Seeing all my negativity in this way is a huge shift and lifts the burden I have carried around never feeling I was good enough. How do you accept pain? How do you not hate feeling pain or frustration? You don’t. You allow whatever experience is there knowing that by feeling it, you are clearing it for the good of all. 

So I now walk around saying “I love you” over and over to whatever arises; pain, anger, judging, doubting. Whatever voice I hear in my head, I love the part of me that is expressing itself. Unconditionally. Even if I don’t feel the love. I say it and I love the part of me that can’t feel it. And so I find myself loving the trees, loving my feet as I put on my socks (and loving my socks), loving the people I come across on my walks. There is more and more love all around. My heart is expanding. I am falling in love with the whole wide world.