Following my last post on the roller coaster ride of feeling better/feeling worse, I have gained more insight as to my topsy-turvy relationship with my body.
I found myself resenting all the time and effort I put into healing my body. Over the years, I have accumulated an encyclopedic amount of tools and techniques for healing and there are constantly new ones coming into my radar. Hence, almost the entire day is spent caring for my body; it feels like a full-time job. I do enjoy some of these methods especially the movement ones as I have always loved moving (exercising vigorously in my young years), but then there is less time for social activities and for creativity which are also important to me. I feel like a mother whose 23-year old adult child is still living at home; I want them gone and out of the house so that I can focus on other things for a change and get back a normal adult life.
I observed this resentment with curiosity as I went through the various modalities (Qi Gong, Yin Yoga, Essentrics, meditation, etc) and allowed for much self-compassion without changing my routine. I also felt fearful of not doing the exercises, feeling obliged to do them otherwise my body might complain (feel worse, exacerbate the sensations).
Being non-judgmental about my emotions allowed me to gain an important insight and see that these same feelings about my body are the ones I have felt as a child growing up with an unpredictable bi-polar mother. It seems that I have internalized my relationship with my mother and now, the one I fear and resent is my body rather than my mother. I am afraid of doing anything to cause it to blow up (increase the pain), I expect it to hurt me at any moment, I am angry that everything I do to try to please it and make it feel better has no positive return for me; no matter how much I try, I can’t seem to make headway. Exactly as it was back then with my mother, a complex relationship where there is a mixed-up kind of love. I love my body but it hurts me and yet I keep loving it and caring for it.
I also felt some resentment lingering even though I thought that I had forgiven my mother. If I remember that she is not the cause of my feelings and reactions but rather that she offered me the opportunity to regain my power and heal numerous past lives where these patterns occurred, then I know that our soul contract was created out of love, not hurt. Forgiveness is no longer needed because I know that there is only love, beyond the ego clashes we go through. I can also heal the child within by providing her, through imagination, the kind of mother she would have wanted.
I want to transform this toxic relationship with my body and find the joy of being in this body of mine without fear or resentment. The sensations can change to pleasure. There is a fine line between ecstasy and pain, laughter and tears, fear and gentleness. I can change my topsy-turvy relationship into one of trust and companionship. I will do this through acceptance, appreciation, and allowing. My body and I are destined for great peace, trust, and joy.