A while ago I decided to let go of the need for pain and actively started imagining a pain-free life; I actually felt grief as I contemplated everything good that this pain experience has brought me. I felt as if I was separating from a long-time partner that I dearly loved. It has been a 23-year relationship with pain as my partner day in day out. Honestly, strange as it may seem, the moments (sometimes hours or days) where the pain wasn’t there, I actually felt lonely.
What happened next is that I met up with my saboteur, the part of me that is married to the pain and won’t let go. She kicked up a storm and the pain got much worse as I lost some mobility, which always frightens me. I realized that I may want to be pain-free but the pain serves an important role for me with many pay-offs and in fact, I do need the pain; it helps me set boundaries with others; it gives me clarity on what I want and don’t want; it allows me to “be” and release the need to “do” and be productive; it prevents me from taking risks, and from being lonely; it allows me to have a quiet stress-free lifestyle; it helps me evolve spiritually.
Can I have all these benefits but without the need for pain? Part of me is scared that I’ll revert to the old me, the one who is a frantic people pleaser, the one who puts everyone else’s needs first, the one who ignores her own desires, the one who obsessively exercises and keeps busy all the time to fill a void. Can I promise the new me that I will move forward and keep evolving and transforming but this time through joy and laughter rather than through pain? Is that possible for me?
It is a decision that I am making, to move forward, not back to the old ways. I have come too far to fall back. I have gained respect for my body and have learned to listen closely to my needs.
These words from Matt Kahn have inspired me to change my focus:
“The reason why human beings manifest illness is to ultimately prove they are able to be absolutely happy and completely free — no matter the circumstances at hand. Illness is not a period of misfortune. It is not a sign of a low vibration or being out of alignment. It is not an indication that you are less than the glory of light that you are.
Instead, it is an initiation of higher consciousness delivered into your reality to remove the layering of limiting beliefs that insist you cannot be all that you are until things become different. Once you are able to sense happiness and liberation, no matter the circumstances at play, you are able to be just as happy, joyful, and free beyond the perceived limitations of your experiences.
May these words help you remember the importance of healing the body by nurturing and caring for the physical vessel as it transforms from dense matter into celestial light, while the mind is cleared of all self-defeating patterns and beliefs by giving you full access to happiness, joy, and freedom regardless of the cards you’ve been dealt.
If you open up to the possibility that happiness, joy, and freedom are already alive within you and not the result of favorable outcomes, something deeper than the ups and downs of gains and losses awakens within your heart.
In order for such a shift to occur, it is essential to consider, contemplate and celebrate how happy, joyful, and free you already might be. You don’t have to feel it or fake it in any way. Just consider the possibility and allow time to show you the way.”
And so, I am making a new resolution, creating a new orientation for the next phase of my journey here on earth and that is to release the need to heal my body and to focus instead on my well-being. I have decided to look for ways to feel good inside myself no matter what sensations or emotions are inhabiting my body. My exploration continues in the field of health but it is about what well-being means in this new paradigm. My new affirmation:
I let my body be and I focus on my well-being.
In conclusion, here are wise words from one of my favorite poets, Dr. Seuss:
You have BRAINS in your head.
You have FEET in your shoes.
You can steer yourself
any direction you choose!