Author Archives: Anna

About Anna

I am a spiritual seeker on a healing journey that started 20 years ago. My wake-up call was a roller-blading accident which injured my back and I have been seeking wholeness since then. I have lived in chronic back pain (for most of those years constant pain), and for the last 5 years with chronic fatigue as well, and have never given up my goal to regain my strength and my health. On January 1st of this year 2015, I slipped on the ice and the fall re-injured my back. That was the last straw. From that moment on, I made the decision that this year is my breakthrough year; I became more determined than ever to heal. It is vital for me to feel well and happy in my body and I refuse to accept a life of pain (although I have learned to accept it in the moment just to keep myself sane). I was once athletic and outdoorsy and I intend to resume an active lifestyle even if it takes my whole lifetime to figure out how. The journey has led me through countless exercises, healing techniques, meditation practices, holistic health practitioners, therapists, and diets, all after I gave up on traditional medicine and its drugs, which could not help. I have an enormous arsenal of tools and techniques which help me cope, relieve some pain some of the time, but never do they quite get me where I want to be; feeling good in my body. I have been, in the past, a wildlife biologist, a performing musician and piano teacher, and a holistic health practitioner. My two passions are music and nature and I continue to play and compose when I can. My love of the outdoors has led me to move from the big city to the country so that I can benefit from the peaceful healing quality of the nature beings with whom I share this beautiful land. I have a particular affinity with wild flowers and also with trees. I talk to them. I receive much wisdom from all the beings, the wind, the water, the earth itself. I feel very supported and loved here. I spend my days mostly caring for my body which restricts my movements and makes it impossible to function normally as a contributing person in society. I live alone and am fortunate in being able to do so, though now and then I have to call upon my neighbors for help. I am fiercely hanging on to my autonomy even though taking care of my basic needs is an every day struggle. I know many people live in similar situations and in writing my story in this blog, it is my hope to give them encouragement and inspiration to seek their own wholeness and healing. Through this blog, I claim my birthright to be pain-free. I intend to find a way towards well-being and hopefully contribute the same to others in similar situations.

Creating Magic

Following my insight about internalizing my relationship with my mother into my body, I have been keenly aware that when my back flares up, the anger I experience is actually all about my mother rather than about my body. Hence, I have been wanting to release that resentment and anger and be free of these negative emotions which I know are causing even more pain and anguish. 

One day, I was on my regular walk in nature towards a stream in the woods where I like to meditate. Between the house and the woods is a field in the middle of which, right along the path, is a great big spruce tree with which I have developed a deep connection over the years. I greet it lovingly and often relate to it my problem of the moment and receive insights and healing so that by the time I come out of the woods, I feel much better. Lately, perhaps because of the cold and snow, I have not stopped but just greet it as I continue walking. This day, I heard it call out to me: “so what’s up today?” I said “If you could help me release this anger and resentment towards my mother and my body, that would be great.” As I kept walking, I heard it say: “Okay. Done!”

christmas-1I laughed out loud! It felt to me as if the Spruce had waved a magic wand and for a moment, I felt completely free. It was that simple!

Some time later, there was some escalation of uncomfortable sensations in my back and along with that, some anger, but I told myself, “no, it’s done, I am free of that.” And from now on, that is how I feel. No matter what goes on in my body or in my emotions, I am free because I simply decide that the magic happened and there is no cause to entangle in these old feelings anymore. I connect with my Ascended Master Self where there is no suffering and choose to remember that it is “Done!”

 I am the Magic.

                     I am the Miracle.

                                 I am the Master.

                                                        I am free, I am free, I am free.

Relationship with my Body

Following my last post on the roller coaster ride of feeling better/feeling worse, I have gained more insight as to my topsy-turvy relationship with my body. 

I found myself resenting all the time and effort I put into healing my body. Over the years, I have accumulated an encyclopedic amount of tools and techniques for healing and there are constantly new ones coming into my radar. Hence, almost the entire day is spent caring for my body; it feels like a full-time job. I do enjoy some of these methods especially the movement ones as I have always loved moving (exercising vigorously in my young years), but then there is less time for social activities and for creativity which are also important to me. I feel like a mother whose 23-year old adult child is still living at home; I want them gone and out of the house so that I can focus on other things for a change and get back a normal adult life. 

IMG_1001I observed this resentment with curiosity as I went through the various modalities (Qi Gong, Yin Yoga, Essentrics, meditation, etc) and allowed for much self-compassion without changing my routine. I also felt fearful of not doing the exercises, feeling obliged to do them otherwise my body might complain (feel worse, exacerbate the sensations). 

Being non-judgmental about my emotions allowed me to gain an important insight and see that these same feelings about my body are the ones I have felt as a child growing up with an unpredictable bi-polar mother.  It seems that I have internalized my relationship with my mother and now, the one I fear and resent is my body rather than my mother. I am afraid of doing anything to cause it to blow up (increase the pain), I expect it to hurt me at any moment, I am angry that everything I do to try to please it and make it feel better has no positive return for me; no matter how much I try, I can’t seem to make headway. Exactly as it was back then with my mother, a complex relationship where there is a mixed-up kind of love. I love my body but it hurts me and yet I keep loving it and caring for it. IMG_0912

I also felt some resentment lingering even though I thought that I had forgiven my mother. If I remember that she is not the cause of my feelings and reactions but rather that she offered me the opportunity to regain my power and heal numerous past lives where these patterns occurred, then I know that our soul contract was created out of love, not hurt. Forgiveness is no longer needed because I know that there is only love, beyond the ego clashes we go through. I can also heal the child within by providing her, through imagination, the kind of mother she would have wanted. 

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I want to transform this toxic relationship with my body and find the joy of being in this body of mine without fear or resentment. The sensations can change to pleasure. There is a fine line between ecstasy and pain, laughter and tears, fear and gentleness. I can change my topsy-turvy relationship into one of trust and companionship. I will do this through acceptance, appreciation,  and allowing. My body and I are destined for great peace, trust, and joy.

 

The Roller Coaster Ride

Dealing with chronic health issues is a frustrating roller coaster ride; feeling even just a little better one day raises hope and then the downfall back to feeling worse brings on anger and discouragement. Over and over again I go up and down with my emotions. I am in joy when I can function and be with others comfortably. I am upset when once again I strain my back and need to lay low, cancel whatever was on the agenda, and wait it out. I am tired of the roller coaster; I want to get off.

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I noticed that on the days I feel better and am moving around joyfully, there is a fear that comes up of hurting myself again. I push the fear away thinking that if I go there, I will create what I fear….. our thoughts create our reality, right? 

Well, I realized recently that this fearful part of me is in need of much love for it stems from my childhood and the constant sense of anxiety around a volatile mother; I was always walking on egg shells around her not knowing when the next shoe would drop and all hell would break loose again. No wonder I am fearful when things go well. I expect wellness to end and am just waiting for the next calamity. I don’t have that relationship with my mother anymore and I love her dearly but it seems that I have re-created that expectation of being hurt at any moment by projecting it into my body; when will my body blow up and hurt me again?

IMG_9834So instead of pushing the fear away thinking it will cause the next physical breakdown, I hold my fearful child close to my heart and comfort her and let her know that all is well, that she is safe. Since she is the one who controls how I function in the world through my unconscious fears and patterns, then she is the one that needs my attention and focus. So the question is how can I provide her with the safety she needs?

Obviously, loving instead of pushing away is the first step, but I believe the most important part is for me to be in touch with my power, with my loving energy, to be for her the loving understanding supportive parent she needed back then, replacing the volatile frightening adults she has in her memory. When I listen to her fears I end up falling into them and exacerbating the issue. I become like a co-dependent sibling who just falls into the depths of despair with her. I need to stay detached yet understanding and compassionate. 

So I connect to my energy, my true power and strength. I reach for my Higher Self, my Source. And really, there is nothing more to do than connect with Source for just the awareness of how I have perpetuated this old pattern will be transforming my future. I may or may not once again strain my back after some time of joy and freedom but now that I know the source of this roller coaster ride, I can be calm and loving about it. There is nothing more important for me right now than to find peace within and peace with all that is.

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Fall Equinox Spiritual Emergency

I don’t know if other sensitive souls have been feeling it but suddenly, with the onset of fall and cold nights, I have entered into a healing crisis as my back pain suddenly intensified and then fatigue set in, with insomnia, which caused anxiety and a host of other symptoms. I panicked and became distraught, fighting against the sensations in my body and the fears in my mind.

IMG_0862Fall is a time of integrating the shift back and forth from dark to light, also of alternating contraction and expansion. A challenging time to say the least particularly for those of us who are sensitive and on a spiritual path. We are being guided to our ascension, to being more and more of the Light and our bodies are shifting to accommodate for this huge expansion. Understanding this helps me cope with the physical issues and also helps me have compassion for my body instead of being angry that it can’t perform as I wish. 

I sense that I am being called to surrender at a very deep level. I have been wanting to heal my body for over 20 years and have focused all my energy to that intent, trying all kinds of therapies and products of which there is a never-ending supply. I am lured by all kinds of promises and testimonials that “this” is the answer to all my prayers. And yet, so many years later, even with all the new technologies and medical advances, I am no further along. Physically that is, because my spiritual life has evolved considerably and certainly my life has changed over the years and I am much happier overall. 

My focus in writing this blog has been to heal myself through self-love yet even that now feels like pushing myself. There is nothing wrong with wanting to heal of course, and yet somehow, I feel that I must let go of this desire. Something in me wants to surrender…I questioned myself whether it was actually giving up but I think it is more of a shift in consciousness that requires me to change the focus from healing my body, to supporting my body through this spiritual emergence that wants to happen. And this shift asks for trust in the universe that there is nothing wrong with my body sensations even though I do not like them. 

IMG_0860These alternations between low and high vibrations (contractions and expansions) need not be so difficult, I realized; one morning this past week, I got up feeling horrible after a sleepless night and the anxiety of having to go early to the hospital for some tests. But I declared it was going to be a fantastic day nevertheless, in fact, the best day ever! I called in my legions of angels and even as I drove into town, feeling weak and sick, I felt them with me the entire way and conversed with them whenever my thoughts would turn negative.  We even sang and laughed together. They held me up. 

And to my delight, there were some human angels as well, appearing everywhere, helping me find my way in the hospital, cheerfully greeting me even as I fumbled here and there, wonky from fatigue. And an angel in a supportive friend who later gave me a healing session (remotely) while I lay in the sun at home. It was indeed the best day ever, even though my body felt awful. 

With all this support and positivity (that I created through the power of my mind), my symptoms were much reduced compared to what they were a few days ago when I was giving in to anxiety and despair. I now know that I can hold light and darkness and that my light is more miraculous and powerful than any darkness inside me (and I’ll wager any darkness outside of me as well). 

The butterfly is emerging indeed!

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Letting go, the easy way

The path of surrender is the healing path. The more we let go of trying to control our bodies, our lives, other people, the more we flow with life and the easier it gets. However, I have found that letting go, no matter how many authors and speakers I have read or heard on the topic, is always a challenge. There is a lot of subtlety in surrendering; we can’t necessarily decide to let go as a mental exercise, it seems we need to actually feel whatever it is in order to release it for transformation. If I allow myself to feel the emotion that arises, how do I not descend into its depths and get lost? And if I release too quickly, am I pushing it away only to have it come back later? At what point am I wallowing and when is it that I actually release? These questions always come up when I am in struggle and negativity, desiring to surrender it.

I have found a very simple method that accomplishes all that I need in surrender; both the aknowledgement and the release happen without the wallowing and getting drowned or stuck, without the avoidance and pushing away. Very simply, when something comes up that needs clearing, I say to myself or to that part of me “I love you.” 

I am thereby seeing, hearing, and releasing into the light a prisoner of my unconsciousness. Immediately, there is a welcoming of the hurt part of me, there is a loving presence that washes over the hurt, and there is a distancing from it which allows me to see it as not me and thus to be able to let it go lovingly. No pushing against, no avoiding, no trying to change.  A simple presence of love that heals in the moment. 

Previously, the missing piece for me was the higher point of view. In saying “I love you” I become the Universe loving my self, my hurt child, my negative thought or belief. I feel the shift instantaneously and the surrender happens as if by magic. It is quick and efficient and I am back to my power self, my higher self, the one who knows my divine nature.

The more we love ourselves, the more we can love others and be the divine light bringing heaven to earth, clearing away the clouds of conditioning that have trapped us in negativity and suffering. 

I love you.

Relationship with Breath

When dealing with chronic pain or other health issues, one never knows whether tomorrow will be a good day or a difficult day and that makes planning for events quite challenging. I end up cancelling often and feel frustrated in not being able to accomplish what would feel good and/or fulfilling. So how do you find fulfillment when you can’t commit, can’t work, can’t really give much energy at all? 

I received a revelation in listening to Matt Kahn, who said that the only thing that will truly fulfill you is your very own breath. When I heard this, I immediately dropped expectations of finding fulfillment the way I used to do (as in sharing myself with others, sharing my music, or even writing this blog), and focused on developing a deeper relationship with my breath. It came as quite a surprise to me, a totally new concept, that fulfillment cannot come from outside myself but rather from something I do easily, all the time, and comes from within my own body. 

Breath is inspiration, it is life; it is something we do completely unconsciously all the time and without it, we die. Of course, meditation is a great way to connect with the breath but I wanted to be more present to it throughout the day as well as during my morning meditation. I started by incorporating the heart math practice of breathing into the heart at the rate of 6 breaths per minute for 5 minutes at a time, 3 times a day. This particular practice has many proven health benefits which include reduction in stress, anxiety, and fatigue, as well as increase in resilience, and emotional balance. it is very calming and I have found that practicing this technique helped me remember to connect with breath and with heart at different times of the day. (You can visit heartmath.org for more information about the Heart Math Institute). It is also a good technique to use when stressful situations crop up; just to breathe at that rate for even one minute calms the mind and restores resilience and ability to respond appropriately.

Another practice I have adopted is Afghan Walking, which is a way of walking that coordinates the breath with one’s steps. Breathing in for 3 steps through the nose, one breath pause, breathing out for 3 steps through the mouth, one breath pause. I vary the number of steps depending on how fast I walk or what the terrain looks like. It is for me, a form of play with my breath while walking. A very grounding exercise that keeps me in the moment and open to receiving what the universe has to offer as I feel more present with both myself and the world around me. The gaze is kept open and out to the horizon rather than on the road directly in front of the feet. 

In addition, now and then, whenever I remember, I will breathe in consciously a few breaths, with the words: “As is” (inspiration), “I’m here” (expiration) which reminds me to come back to the here and now, which is where all our power lies and where we are able to receive intuitive messages. It also releases tension, relaxing my muscles. 

I love feeling closer to my breath, to my heart, to what renews and nourishes my body. 

These methods of playing with the breath have helped me become more conscious of breathing but I also want to feel the breath as it is, without controlling or influencing it so I will lie down and tune into my breath just feeling where it comes in, what parts of my body move, how it leaves my body, etc. I can direct the breath to the parts of my body that need love and care, or I can allow the breath to bring up what needs care in that moment. Just tuning into the breath often releases an emotion and has me focusing on a part of my body that may need a release of tension. It happens spontaneously and naturally and in this way, the breath is the connector to my body and it becomes the healer.

Breath is the healer. Breath is our connection to the Divine. Breath is Life.

Relationship with Life

There was a brief period in my life when I worked as a Salmon Biologist and I loved to watch the salmon fighting the current, leaping over the falls, making their way upstream to lay their eggs. I have often felt like a salmon with respect to Life, as if I am constantly struggling against the current, trying to change my circumstances and yet, unlike the salmon,  always failing, not actually getting anywhere. 

My relationship with Life was not a good one; I was trying to control it, trying to change it, trying to improve it, and not trusting it. That is not the kind of relationship I would want with a partner and it is no longer the relationship I want with Life. I have, over the years, developed a different kind of relationship which has grown and matured slowly but steadily into one where I feel that I trust more and control less. 

My intention now is to flow with Life; to allow myself to drift like the salmon drifting downstream after it has accomplished its task and goes back to sea (at least as the Atlantic Salmon do because the Pacific ones die after spawning). For really, my task is done. I have suffered enough, I have planted the seeds of health and well-being and it is time to reap what I have sown, to get back to the sea of joy and happiness. Flowing and trusting Life means that I allow the pain to be there, I allow my body to do what it needs to do, I allow all my feelings/emotions to flow, and I trust that even if I don’t know what it all means or why it is happening, that whatever is, is what needs to be and not only that, but is what is best for me and for the whole planet. Wanting things to be different comes from a place of lack and I choose to believe that I have everything I need and more and that if I don’t have what I want, it’s because I don’t need it, at least for the moment. Wanting blocks receiving. Receiving with gratitude engenders more receiving. 

I now choose to have a harmonious joyful loving relationship with Life. When things don’t go my way, I stop, breathe, let the feelings flow, and remember that Life has my back, that it is all happening for a very good reason, for my highest good. Letting go of constant control feels very freeing and it allows new energy to enter into my life; I am often pleasantly surprised by events that are unexpected and fun. Life has a way of delighting me now that I have allowed it to be itself. I open myself by literally saying Yes, and Thank You when Life presents me with something unwanted and uncomfortable (or at least, I practice that to the best of my ability). Certainly, anger does come up and that is when Life gives me the opportunity to clear more negativity from my system which is in itself very freeing and healing. What comes up is always a gift if only to release the negativity in me which makes way for joy and bliss.

In the words of Mary O’Maley (in “What’s in the Way is The Way), “To awaken, it is important to know that there is no such thing as an ordinary moment. There are only two kinds of moments: Life is either inviting you to be fully open to Life right here, right now, or it is putting you in the situations that are needed to bring up what has been bound up inside of you so it can open up and be free.”

A significant shift came about when I started a very simple practice of appreciation. Every so often throughout the day, I look up at the sky (or at the ceiling), and say thank you to my guides and angels for showering upon me their love, their joy, their support, their inspiration, their guidance, their healing energy. It feels to me like opening a small faucet of gratitude and receiving a deluge of blessings. We all have an amazing number of celestial beings looking down at us with love and compassion, just waiting for us to open the conduit so that we can receive their help. More and more keeps coming and so I feel more and more gratitude. It increases exponentially day by day. 

 

Thank you Life for bringing me flowers even if sometimes it takes a while for me to see that they are not weeds, that they are indeed very beautiful, always.