Lately, I strained my back yet again and had to embrace stillness. Whenever I hurt myself and become temporarily somewhat disabled, I encounter fear of isolation because I then struggle to take care of the basics of life, wishing there was someone to take care of me. Under normal circumstances, I am comfortable with my solitude but in these situations, it becomes frightening.
This fear of being alone is a very old one and whether I am surrounded by people or in solitude, it can overwhelm me. I think it is a human characteristic to feel separate and the very first trauma we all go through when we leave the womb at birth. But the truth is that we are all connected not only to Source but to each other and to all of Life as well. We are separate yet connected. That is the paradox we must learn to live with and this fear of separation and aloneness is one which I am releasing now. For I know that I am completely connected to everyone and everything. I am at one with all that is.
Even though I feel within me this desire for connection, at the same time there is a resistance to it too. The part of me which resists connection relishes the solitude, the freedom from responsibility, having an easy excuse to say “no,” the spaciousness of having time to do what I want. I even feel a strong desire to withhold my gifts, my talents and abilities and feel resentful when I am called upon to assist others. Chronic illness takes a lot of energy to manage and there is just not enough energy to give to others particularly on those challenging days.
But it is a dance between giving and holding back; balancing energy cultivation with energy conservation. I am learning that each is equal to the other and that there is no shame or guilt in holding back. I have valued giving over with-holding because that is what I was taught and it is also what people expect. I feel pressured when asked to help and yet there is no real pressure because I am a free human being and I can always say no, for no reason in particular. Moreover, holding back allows space for receiving. A person who gives and gives all the time rarely leaves any opening to receive from others. The best is to have a balance between giving and receiving and I see my with-holding as a way to give my body time to rest and recuperate and also as a way to open myself to receive. Ideally, I could know simply through intuition when and how much to hold back rather than having it imposed upon me by the pain.
Giving takes many forms and who is to say that in cocooning and practicing self-care, we are not sending out vibrations of love….. we are loving ourselves in those moments and that love must radiate out and reach others too. I’m sure of it.