Monthly Archives: April 2016

I surrender

Now and then I get one of those extremely challenging days when I just want to throw in the towel at life. I feel discouraged, angry, hopeless, trapped, and confused. My mind is spinning around and around going nowhere with thoughts about what I could do to feel better, and it accomplishes nothing but to skyrocket anxiety. Negativity has taken me over, spreading a dark grey cloak over my entire life. The only thing left for me to do, when at the end of my rope, is to surrender it over to Spirit and to my guides. I can do no more and I let go completely.Helloborine bursting out

Whenever a thought or feeling would arise throughout the day, I would just say “no thought.” I wanted no negative thoughts to turn me into a puddle of mush because I have cried so much that I am spent. I cannot release any more emotion. It is too draining to even think about it. So, “no thought.” Nothing. No thing. Nada. Emptiness. I tune into the outer world rather than examine and try to soothe my inner world. I listen to the wood frogs croaking their mating song. I feel the sun on my skin. The moist cool earth beneath my feet. I stay still. My mind wants to race and find fault with everything I feel inside or find a solution or plan my next meal. No. No thought.

World, you deal with it. Life, you find my way out of this daily struggle.

I surrender.

Helleborine leaves

 

 

(It’s amazing how feeling the anger towards my own mind for putting me in this frenzied state and surrendering even that gives me a sense of power. Not far beyond that, I feel hope wafting in and dare I even say, away over the horizon….. possibility?)

Gratitude

Today, I can feel grateful for the toxic bacterial infection in my gut. These bacteria (and the initial back injury) have prevented me from leading the life that I wanted, but they have helped me to fulfill my soul’s desire and thus my purpose; through their help, I have had the time and space to just be, which is something few people get to experience for such a length of time. And through this spaciousness, I have learned how to love myself and how to take care of my body, to shed all those old patterns that were in the way of knowing true health of mind/body/spirit to gain great peace and joy.

Through the detox process, I am releasing some very deep-seated emotions which have undoubtedly constricted my life so far. Every time I feel a release, I know that old patterns are dying off along with the bacteria. I am excited about the new life that will unfold once my being is cleared of those noxious feelings and patterns.

I have gained much much more than I have lost in terms of time. The lessons have been priceless and although at times unbelievably challenging, I see now that I was held and guided and very loved in each moment. The trust in my path, in my soul’s journey, is now unshakeable.

And so I thank you pseudomonas for your invasion and proliferation. If there is anything more for me to learn and gain by your presence, you may stay. But if by chance, your job with me is done, then I bid you adieu and fare thee well. I am on to greener pastures lush with joy and love and extraordinary health.

goldfish in pond

 

Physical and Emotional Detox

The problem with detoxing from a bacterial infection (I’m doing it with natural supplements and pro-biotics) is that when bacteria die off, they release toxins into the body and in my case, the process causes increased inflammation and fatigue (as if I didn’t have quite enough pain!), as well as a lot of difficult emotions. Both my physical and my emotional bodies are going through the wringer. Although, to be fair, the negative emotions have probably already been there for aeons and are simply activated by the detoxifying, releasing themselves to be purged along with whatever physical tension they cause.  And now that I know that harmful beings have invaded my body and are sapping it of energy, I am feeling much sorrow at having been angry at my body for not healing despite my herculean efforts. We were in fact working at cross purposes; I was pushing my body to heal with all sorts of exercises, doing them despite the fatigue, whereas my body was constantly fighting the infection, and neither of us was able to get ahead.

I have now dropped all my projects, my various exercises,  and any unnecessary activity which does not have to do with immediate survival needs, to allow my body to heal. I am listening intently for its needs. Having to drop projects means letting other people down and facing my fears of disappointing others and being rejected. In letting go of the bacteria in my body, I am also letting go of all the patterns that have held me back in the past, particularly those which have allowed my boundaries to be crossed and prevented me from expressing my needs.pussy willows

I can assist my body in purging the bacteria by not allowing negative energies to invade my body. I feel that in having weak boundaries with others, be it relative to their requests or to their emotional energy, I have allowed myself to take in much negativity that I did not know how to release (a large part of that could be the resentment against myself for being unable to defend my own needs in the face of others’ needs). I feel that this bacteria which invaded my body and slowly grew more and more abundant, is a part of that pattern. In this way, I can be grateful that it has manifested to show me how to be in my power and stand strong with respect to my needs, feelings, and desires.

In the past, I was torn between taking care of my own needs versus taking care of others’ needs, as if they were at odds. It seemed to me they were at odds when what I needed did not concur with the good of the whole, consequently, I was conflicted. Now I see that I am a part of the whole and my needs are as well. Whatever I need is what the group needs, albeit in some subtle indiscernable way. I trust that taking care of myself is good for all concerned, whether they perceive it or not, or even whether I perceive it or not.orange lily

My feelings and needs matter. Taking care of my needs, expressing my feelings and needs to others, benefits all beings, even if not immediately apparent to them.

I don’t have to sacrifice my needs for the needs of others because my well-being is the well-being of the whole. We are all connected and part of the greater whole. 

 

More Self-Love

In my quest for healing through self-love, I have discovered many different practices which have all helped enormously in developing a new relationship with myself, my body, and the pain in my back. I have written about some of them in these posts and now, I have yet another one to add to my vast collection.

In a virtual retreat with my wonderful community of women, our facilitator, Claire Zammit (http://evolvingwisdom.com), led us in a meditation where we would repeat  every 10 seconds the following words: “(Your name), I love you unconditionally.” We then continued to do this for about 15 minutes as we took a break. I had a profound experience in that short time. As I was washing the dishes, I cut myself with a knife and because I had been saying to myself “Anna, I love you unconditionally,” I felt an immediate forgiveness whereas usually, I would have felt anger at being so careless that I hurt myself. This experience was meaningful to me because with a weak back, it is very easy to overdo things and so I carry a lot of self-blame around hurting myself, which is a recurring pattern in my daily life.

As I continue to practice saying these words to myself as often as I remember to do so, the idea has become my default thought and I see how my inner critical voice is getting smaller and smaller, to the point of feeling a subtle critical energy rather than actual word-thoughts. Whereas I used to bemoan every time I would feel an increase in the back pain, now, I just send the loving phrase to my back. Often, my body relaxes deeply in the moment I say the words. This practice helps tremendously in separating myself from the part of me that hurts, the child/body self. As I distance myself, I am more in touch with the vast infinite being of love that I am at my core, my true identity as pure unconditional love.

The Value of Anger

Whenever I allow my anger to be, without acting on it but rather focusing on the sensations it produces in my body and allowing them to release on their own, eventually, I gain clarity and I know what course of action to take. Sometimes this process takes some time and some repetitive focusing, but the result is always fruitful. With respect to the pain in my body,  I have been angry at that for a very very long time. I have gone through different stages of releasing this anger but I have never succeeded in totally accepting the pain and now, I see that this anger was perfectly justified and ultimately very useful. Finally, I have clarity. I know why I have not been successful at healing my body over all these years in spite of trying so hard.

I have found out, with the help of a wonderful health coach (Jim Jordan from http://www.createvibranthealth.com) whom I call my “detective,” (I have consulted countless health care professionals over the years and none have been able to “crack my case”) that I have a bacterial infection which has been in my gut, undetected, perhaps for many years. It is the likely physical cause of repeated inflammation and continuous fatigue and pain (I emphasize the word “physical” because I am well aware that there are also subconscious mental/emotional energies at play). I am so grateful for the anger that kept me searching for a reason, for a cure, for a way to be thriving and healthy.

Now I feel that my question of how to embody valuing my emotions has been answered. At least with respect to anger, I feel deeply that I have a new relationship with it and a respect for that energy which brought me the clarity I was missing.

flower bouquet