Monthly Archives: October 2015

Releasing Resistance

 

                  MogaDao Mantra

                 Rest the Mind, Rest the Heart, Rest the Spirit

                 In the Essential Goodness of Being

                And Feel It Passing through

             Your Beautiful,

              Temporary Body

              Into Eternity

 

larch tree

I have been contemplating this beautiful mantra during my meditations lately and am sensing more and more detachment from my body/ego self. I am not this body in pain, I am not the suffering it endures. I am much more than that; I see an image of something light and pure passing through me and out into the world. I am here simply to allow the light to pass through me, and to care for this vessel that has been given to me in this lifetime so that Spirit can flow through unimpeded. The vessel is cracked and broken in places, it is not so young and carries many old stories, it has been through countless battles, and it is still here, in my loving care.

All those stories of my past are the stories of humanity which do not belong to me at all; they are part of the collective. My suffering is not my own. The pain in my body is not mine.

So what do I do with it? How do I allow it all through without resistance?……. the pain, the emotions, the feelings and sensations?

yellow trees blue skyI know I need to love it all and let it go through me but that is not so easy to do especially in the moment I feel the pain escalating. Everything about it assaults me and I get lost in the mire. It seems to me that this question of how to love my shadow keeps coming back again and again. It’s easy enough just to say “love the anger, love the pain, embrace it, etc…” but what is the actual action one takes to do that? How is that possible when you don’t actually feel loving towards those parts of yourself and when the heart seems closed?

I have been practicing “mirror work” as demonstrated by Robert Holden and Louise Hay (http://www.robertholden.org/blog/what-is-mirror-work/),  where I look deep into my eyes in the mirror and repeat the words: “Anna, I love you. I love you very much.” To some extent, this practice has helped me love myself and my undesirable qualities and I do find I am more gentle with myself and more accepting. But I need something in the moment, an action, that would bring those words home deeply when I am in my worst moments. Tara Brach (http://www.tarabrach.com/) has a suggestion I like very much; she puts her hand on her heart in that difficult moment, and just aknowledges to herself that it is a difficult moment, that this is hard; it is like holding a hurt child against your heart to comfort him/her.

In the past, I would simply come back to my body in the difficult moments, holding my sorrow and pain somatically as opposed to staying in my head and in the story. But then I was in the pain body and the experience was difficult; it was too easy to succumb to the child’s emotions and get lost in my misery. I eventually learned to connect with my Power Self instead (or Higher Self, or Spirit Self), where I can feel confident and strong, able to contain the emotions without getting lost in them.orange leaf

There are so many techniques one can use to create that connection but I am focusing on the Stillpoint method I discussed previously (see Resources) and another technique which my dear friend Beth Ann Fischberg showed me (http://www.yourmagneticpresence.com/). I focus on a point of light in the centre of my head, then on a point of light in the centre of my heart, then on a point of light in the centre of my lower belly, then on all three lights at once; immediately, I feel my spine straightening, my body aligning, and I am present with myself, with my power. These techniques get me out of the story with all its emotional charge, and into a space of neutrality where I am open to Spirit flowing through, allowing for a better outcome than I could predict or expect through my ego. The more I practice, the easier it gets and hopefully, in tough times, it will be a reflex to go there and release any resistance to what is.

Creating loving connections while protecting myself from negativity

It is interesting to me that practicing gratitude has brought up anger. I noticed it when it became a little more difficult to feel the gratitude I was expressing; the anger grew and became quite encompassing. I believe that opening my heart in gratitude has made room for the wounding to show and come to the surface to be healed. So as my self-love practice requires, I am loving my angry self. This part of me is angry at others for crossing my boundaries and even more so at myself for having allowed them to do so. I have a sense of needing to fend everyone off, keep them away so that I can’t be hurt. Unfortunately, if I do that, I can’t be loved either. In protecting myself, I am also hurting the child in me who yearns for deep connection and love.red mushroom

But I am afraid of angry energy. There was so much of it growing up, and being sensitive, I took it all in, vainly trying to appease and desperately wanting harmony. These days, in my weak pain-filled  body, I cannot handle extra stress. So I want to keep negative angry people away from me to protect that hurt child self. Now, since I have come to love my own anger which is very useful in protecting my boundaries, I can appreciate that angry people’s boundaries are crossed and they are simply unskillful at expressing it. I can forgive them their anger but what do I do with it if it comes up?

I wonder how I can both protect myself from unwanted negative energy and create loving connection?

It seems to me that protecting myself and creating connection with others are opposite to each other; either I keep others away and stay alone but safe, or I allow others into my life but am unsafe because I can’t control what they do. This is the rock against which I am stuck…… so I guess I need to hug it for a while (How do I deal with obstacles? Hug the Rock) and wait for what comes up.

It turns out that I did exactly what was needed today when my neighbor wanted to come for a visit and I told her I was in a bad mood and needed some time to myself. I expressed my feelings and my need to be alone. This will be my next step: I will express my feelings and needs. If others are aware of my needs, and comply, perhaps I won’t have to keep them away. In this case, I needed solitude but it won’t necessarily always be so. I will learn how to be more open about what is going on with me and maybe eventually, it will be easier to be with others as I am. If the other person is angry, I can let them know how I feel about it if I wish. My protection will be the expression of my feelings and needs and in doing that, I will create intimacy and connection because I will be in my authenticity. That is the magic formula. Pretending everything is fine when it is not, does not lead to connection with the other, it keeps them at a distance and I always have a choice with whom I wish to be intimate, and who I wish to keep at a distance. The deep truth is that in expressing my feelings and needs, I create the opportunity for the deep connections that I yearn for, irrespective of others’ reactions. 

I allow for others to have their experience and it doesn’t have to affect me. I also have other tools when a situation I dislike comes up: I can walk away (go to the bathroom and ground myself into my power), I can cut the chord (I visualize a pair of scissors cutting the energetic chord between myself and the other person), I can strengthen my field through intention, and allow the anger to be there, unaffected, not allowing it into my own body.

I stand firm and strong in my power, knowing that I have the capacity to protect and defend myself and take care of my needs with ferocity, in all situations. And in this, I am not alone; Life is with me, Life is at my back.colourful trees 2

From Breakdown into Breakthrough

I am in the midst of a breakdown. In the middle of the night, in the throes of sharp intense pain, I mentally called out “help!” over and over, all night. It was a cry sent out to my spirit guides, “calling all angels,” because I am at a loss with what to do about it. Each time I called out, I felt my body relax for a moment. I knew they were right there with me, listening and responding. I felt supported and loved.

I strained my back yet again, for the nth time. It happens periodically, some times are worse than others, and because of the consistency of these occurrences, it feels as if there is a part of me that wants to stay in pain. At this point, I am very tired of digging for what is wrong and I know that each time, I learn something new and I evolve, and isn’t that wonderful, but really, do I need to feel such intense pain and anguish in order to transform? Is there some other way my body could let me know I am ignoring its needs, or overdoing it, or giving in to pleasing others, etc, etc. Could I possibly be alerted by more subtle clues?

Yes, I could. I know that fatigue is a more gentle clue and if I ignore that heaviness in my body, that pressure around my eyes, then I inevitably strain and hurt myself. I need to be more vigilant and be firm in protecting myself in those situations. I can easily lie down if I am at home and alone but the challenge is to do it when I am influenced by the presence of others. A big part of the problem is that I do yearn for connection with others and I stay with them perhaps beyond my limits. My connection with myself has to come first. That much is obvious to me.

There is also another level operating with respect to all the pain in my body. I went into the sharp pain today, listening deeply, and I felt that I do not need this pain in order to learn to take care of myself among others. I can learn through trial and error simply by being aware and vigilant. After so many years of meditation, I feel qualified enough to catch subtleties and respond appropriately….. eventually. It is always a work in progress and I’ll never do it perfectly anyway, much as my inner critic would hope I could.

In this inner exploration earlier, I felt that if my body could be more subtle in its messages and if I would respond quicker, then what could be this sharp constant pain I am carrying in my lower back? It felt like sorrow. I have been digging about trying to figure it out and I can’t get to the bottom of it. I had a sense that it actually didn’t really belong to me; that it is something that comes from my ancestors. Perhaps I signed a contract before I incarnated that I would clear it up for them. Whether or not this is true, I decide now to release myself from carrying this pain and sorrow. I have felt it enough, I have cleared energy, I have done what I could. It is time now for my happy thriving fulfilled life. From now on, when the pain captures my attention, I lovingly bring it into my heart, and I release it to my angels. I have come to an impasse and cannot do anything more. It is no longer up to me to heal this energy.

In letting go of this energy and releasing it to the field, I found myself a bit later in deep sorrow over my inability to create that close connection I yearn for with others without compromising my connection to myself. I felt so powerless. Perhaps the sorrow is indeed my own story, or maybe the one I inherited from my ancestors. In any case, I then asked what could be my next step in creating this desire for connection and just let that go too. Shortly thereafter, I received, in my virtual mailbox, a link to a video about how gratitude can transform your life. I took that to be my next step.

coulourful treesSo today, I am practicing gratitude as often as I can remember to come back to my thoughts, and especially with respect to my body. Every little move that my body makes, every pleasurable sensation I feel, the brilliant fall colours I see around me, all those tiny details we take for granted; just being able to take a deep relaxing breath, or to enjoy the hot water from the shower. There are millions upon millions of things to be grateful for when we slow down to notice them. Right now, I am grateful for my body to be able to sit and my fingers and wrists to be able to type these words.

And when all else fails and the darkness is at its worst, there is a most important gratitude prayer, which was sent to me by a loving supportive friend in a time of need, : “I’m grateful for unknown blessings already on their way.”

Gratitude opens the heart, I can feel it. It is also a way to give. Tears are pooling in my eyes just thinking about this.black eyes susans

My tender heart is embracing the world before me in this magical moment.

 

Pain: A New Perspective

My eyes hurt. There is fatigue and pressure around them and I ask my body what this pressure means. I sense fear in that pain. I don’t get any answers, but I feel less annoyance and more love towards my eyes.

Lying on a rock in the middle of the stream, eyes closed, listening to the sound of the water rushing on either side of me, yearning to merge with this energy, I open my eyes and look up at the sky through the branches; a hawk soaring. The hawk, so graceful in its effortless flight, has a large perspective, seeing life from a higher point of view. I am feeling invited to join this new perspective. My eyes need to see differently, are in fact helping me to transform an old way of looking at the world. They are hurting because part of me is resisting the new way and hanging on to the old. Now I feel a togetherness with my eyes: my body and I are partners, working towards my happiness. I feel gratitude towards the pain in my eyes.

How can I shift my perspective?

The old perspective is unconscious, based on outdated patterns of behavior which keep me in fear of the world around me. I can see that if I change the way I perceive the world, I would not be so afraid of it; I would feel more confident. How can I see like Hawk the larger view?

On the way back from the stream, a crow is soaring above the field. Crow is called the shape-shifter in Native mythology; is it urging me to shift my perspective by changing shape?flying snow geese

To see from the point of view of Hawk, I must take up flight and soar through Time and Space. If I send my Spirit Self out above me into the realms of sky, I see hundreds and thousands and millions of years back to the Big Bang and I see into the future as well. I am but a speck in that vision. If I see beyond my personal body, and into the universal body of humankind, if I shape-shift like Crow, I see that all people suffer similar problems. And if I see that my own response to the challenge of chronic pain could shape the future of humanity, I can take on the responsibility of acting from a much stronger, more powerful place. Suddenly, I breathe deeper, my body expands, I am larger, and I can handle the pain right now, in this moment.

Because the pain in my body is everyone’s pain. Because the roller coaster ride with anger and fear is experienced by all human beings, and I, as Soul, have chosen this path to transmute them into love.

The Comedy Perspective

I am always inspired and impressed by people who can easily laugh at their problems. What a joyful way to live. My sister is one of these people and I love her for that. I would love to be able to joke about my pain and circumstances,  and when I have done so on some rare occasions, it felt great. It could help me shift into a place of power where I feel larger than I really am, where I can be Eagle, and Crow, and Coyote….. the Trickster.rocks and reflection

Lakota Prayer

I have received this Lakota Prayer recently, and find that it speaks deeply to my desire of learning how to trust myself, particularly in listening to my body. I would like to hear its messages in more subtle ways so that it no longer needs to speak to me through pain. And I would like to be more connected with my soul, receiving and trusting those messages so that I can know deeply my own truth and stand by it in the face of adversity.

orange flower with rain

Great Mystery,

teach me how to trust

my heart,

my mind,

my intuition,

my inner knowing,

the senses of my body,

the blessings of my spirit.

Teach me to trust these things

so that I may enter my Sacred Space

and love beyond my fear,

and thus Walk in Balance

with the passing of each glorious Sun. 

 

“According to certain tribes, the Sacred Space is the space between exhalation and inhalation. To Walk in Balance is to have Heaven (spirituality) and Earth (physicality) in Harmony.” (Nick Polizzi and the Sacred Science Team).