Allowing Experience to Be

With chronic body ills, it feels as if there is constantly something wrong that needs fixing; some pain to alleviate, some emotion to release, some stress to reduce, some inner conflict to resolve, etc. Frankly, this fixing obsession is getting really old. In any case, life is forever bringing unexpected events and challenging circumstances so there is no escape from things going awry. I would like to allow Life to take care of everything for me and simply to let events unfold as they may, in other words, to release control. In truth, I don’t have control over life even though I think I do and constantly keep trying to control.

I am contemplating the idea that it doesn’t matter whether I feel good or bad, that there is a place inside me which is not attached to how things are in my life or in the world, and this part of me is really all that matters. I have felt this spaciousness and all-accommodating being-ness during meditation and it is powerful, strong, confident, un-shakeable. I am in the process of incorporating it into the rest of my daily life so that this meditative space is reachable whatever situation I find myself in.

The best way to find it is to feel my feet, straighten my spine and raise the top of my head. Immediately, there is a sense of connection with both earth and sky; I am but the lightning rod in between. I am allowing and opening so that energy can pass through me and then there is nothing to do. I release myself from changing the situation. All is well. Even my mistakes and imperfections are part of the perfection of the Universe. I am not wrong. My meditation teacher, Reggie Ray says that experience has a life of its own and needs to resolve itself. It helped me truly grasp that I am not in control and that experience is outside of “me.” It just exists through me.

This teaching was very helpful recently when I suffered another heart-breaking death of a pet cat. Jujube was struck by a car in exactly the same spot as my Little Dot exactly a year ago. Uncanny. The shock and the grief were much more bearable this time having learned much about acceptance and about connecting with the spirit of the loved one that transitioned. I found refuge in my body. My body felt and released the shock; my body showed me that experience was ordinary when I didn’t attach myself to mind’s contorting between past and future; my body allowed me to be at peace with this event. I kept coming back again and again to my power centre to experience the banality of the life that is continuing in spite of death. It felt just like any ordinary day where I experience all kinds of emotions and feelings moving through my body.

This way of living has become my path; there is always some trauma being released because I meditate and retrieve bits and pieces of my soul all the time and the traumas just flow through as long as the path is unimpeded. That is my continuing resolve for the rest of my life; stay on the path and allow, trusting that everything is happening for me and through me, nothing more.

A Conversation with Pain

I have been very fortunate to have met many wonderful spiritual teachers throughout my healing journey and recently, during a conversation with one of them, Judy Cali (, in which we were speaking about the consciousness of nature beings, she said that every disease has a consciousness…..!!….. Judy always comes out with something that completely blows my mind. Does this mean Pain has a consciousness too? Yes.  I let that one sink in.

A week later, as usually happens whenever I am doing errands, the pain in my back kicked in and I decided to sit down to have lunch before continuing on with the groceries. Suddenly, out of nowhere, I began a conversation with Pain. Not the pain in my body, but just Pain in general. It seemed that Pain was sitting across from me at the table and I asked it what was going on. Pain responded:

“I see you getting flustered and upset whenever you are shopping and trying to make a decision about a purchase so I come in to help you be more in your body. That way you are making the decision from the body rather than from the mind, which is easier.”

“Oh. Okay. It’s true that you have taught me a lot over the years but tell me one thing that has perplexed me all along; why is it that whenever I have a cold, a sore throat, a rash, or indigestion, you back off?”

“I just need a break now and then, to go on vacation for a while. You don’t need me in those times because something else is taking over which has you contemplating what you need to learn to move forward.”

“Well, it’s nice to get a break from you too!  And so are you ever going to leave for good?”

“When my job is done. Remember, I made a commitment to you, to help you raise your consciousness in this lifetime and we promised to be partners on this journey.”

Right. Well, I guess I forgot about that. But now that I have been reminded, I feel different about the pain in my body. My body and I are on better terms with each other; I am more loving and understanding towards it, and the pain is somewhat removed, as if not quite in the body but hovering over it in an energetic sense. In my awareness, the feeling of pain is lighter. I sense a separation between Pain and my body which makes it much easier to accept what is going on and perhaps then I won’t panic when pain arises or intensifies. In the past, I have been angry at my body for causing me suffering and talking to Pain has changed the perspective so that the suffering has eased. I wonder if we will be having more conversations…..?

(You can listen to my conversation with Judy Cali on The New Earth Family website, replay 4-30-17, at the following link:

Holding the Vision despite World Events

I have found that lately, world news has been very disturbing and distressing. My intention of creating a new earth where harmony, peace, joy, and love prevail and where there is no suffering, holds strong still but is constantly challenged by current events. I see a parallel between my desire for nourishing joyful connections with others and my desire for a harmonious world. I see disharmony in people around me and between nations. I want to disconnect and not hear about the imminent war, the fight between friends, etc. I use avoidance tactics. But then, I feel disconnected and alone. I feel empty.

I know that in part, it is a yearning to be more connected to my own soul and to my own child-self. So I accept that emptiness, I embrace it and I even encourage it by not listening to the news, not reading the newspaper. I don’t try to call someone on the phone or arrange a get-together. I am aware that in my mind, I am trying to devise all kinds of ways that I can alleviate this suffering and fill the empty void. But I let that be. I don’t take action on it. Instead, I connect with my self, I listen to the silence outside and the turmoil inside.

And soon, after some difficult days, energy comes flowing back and out of the blue, I make a beautiful new connection with someone and I am invited to a joyful event. I revel in the new way I can be with others because in that alone time, I realized that what is keeping me separate is my judgment of others, of the world. It used to be that if they weren’t perfect, exactly how I wanted them to be, they were not good enough for me. And this of course reflects my own judgment of myself. If I judge others because they are not “right” according to my standards, then I am similarly judging myself in an even harsher way.

This morning, I listened to the news again and something felt different in me. I was not as distressed as previously. I was not happy about what is going on in the world but at the same time, I felt a certain detachment, less emotional involvement, as well as an understanding that it is not the way I want the world to be, but I accept the way it is right now, and I am changing it by living my own life the best way I can and by continuously seeking a higher truth and a higher vibration. I hold the vision for what a world of peace and harmony looks like for me and I don’t allow negativity to shatter this vision in any way. It is possible. It is even happening because I feel it in my own life and I know that the vibrations are radiating out.

Nourishing New Seeds

Melting snow 

Rivulets gathering force streaming in the ditches

Maple sap filling metal buckets
Brown mud
Ruts in the road
Underground seeds gathering energy to explode above ground

What seeds am I choosing to nourish this spring?

Seeds of immense joy that explode to all corners of the world
Seeds of self-love that heal all wounds
Seeds of a new consciousness where well-being and health abide
Seeds of new deep and joyful connections
Seeds of compassion for whatever/whomever might be uncomfortable
Seeds of sound that heals and nourishes
Seeds of play and fun
Seeds of connection to tree spirits

The only obstacles my seeds face are those in my mind
Release, let go, compost to the earth any thought 
Incongruent with Truth
Flow around the rocks by sitting still 
Hugging the rock until forces of water and light
Take me along my soul’s chosen path
Reaching for the blue sky and the depths of the earth
Growing taller, deeper, wider,
stronger and stronger
Every day.

Beyond the Limitations of Pain

One of the most difficult things to accept when dealing with chronic pain or illness, particularly when the problem is undiagnosed, is the limitations our bodies impose on our actions in the world. To see others around us enjoying physical activities, using their bodies freely to move around (traveling, visiting, exploring the world) is frustrating as we stay home trying to make the best of it. Of course, comparing oneself to others is not a good idea in any situation but still, the human body is so made that we have a certain amount of freedom and when that freedom is curtailed for no known reason, one cannot help but feel constricted and limited.

My 8-month old kitty Nouchka gave me a powerful message today around this feeling of limitation and how to release a very deep old belief of limited freedom. She was just neutered and I was told by the vet to limit her movements until the wound healed. Since she is a very active kitty, I had to confine her to a room separate from the rest of the household and to put an Elizabethan collar on her so she wouldn’t lick the wound. You can imagine how she hated that and struggled to free herself. I was distraught and since any kind of stress exacerbates my back pain, was suffering immensely myself. So not only was I suffering from watching another suffer but I was suffering from my own pain as well.

Sitting quietly with her, meditating, being present and in my body as I petted and soothed her, I felt her frustration at being so limited and saw it mirroring my own. On a physical level, the limitations imposed on me by the pain are lack of movement but on a deeper level, there are limitations imposed by my personality that prevent me from being my authentic self; all those false beliefs around unworthiness, feeling unlovable, alone, etc. There are too many constraints that prevent me from shining my light.

Suddenly, a moment of clarity came up as I felt Nouchka’s soul speaking to me, explaining that she chose to come here in this form to be with me and knew full well the consequences and was prepared to bear them. Her message gave me courage; if she can bear it, so can I!  And her soul is free just as mine is. There may be a show of outward struggle in her body but she is and always was free.

In that moment of recognition, I saw how we choose our incarnation and what we are going to experience and that we are never truly limited or restrained; the soul is free. So is everyone else’s soul free. For empathic people such as myself, it is enormously freeing to be able to allow others their chosen path rather than to feel we must free them from their suffering (mostly because we can’t bear it ourselves). Of course, we don’t “choose” to suffer; we choose our experiences and it is in our thoughts (many of them our unconscious thoughts borne of old beliefs from parents and society) that we suffer.

I am grateful to my Nouchka for coming to me with her valuable teachings. Our animal pets are the best teachers and so full of unconditional love for us…. what a blessing it is to take care of them and travel through this life with such companions. Now I know on a deep level that even though the personality and the body seem to be restricted, I am in fact free and always have been. I am only subject to what I hold in mind.


 I am free of all limitations. I am an unlimited being of love and light

not subject to illness or pain.

(After lunch, when I walked into Nouchka’s room and found that she had managed to open the cupboard door and was perched on the topmost shelf, I realized I needed to trust her own healing ability and so I let her out into the rest of the house and relaxed my control).

My Vision of the New Earth

Despite the pain in my body and despite the tension that is happening in different parts of the world at this time, I feel deeply inside my self a feeling of immense joy. Perhaps it is the promise of spring around the corner, or perhaps it is that I feel connected to a movement which recognizes that humanity is moving towards a higher vibration. I feel optimistic for our world and the New Earth arising at this exciting time.

The New Earth begins with me. I can be within myself all that I wish to have on this beautiful planet and it begins with loving myself in all my weaknesses, being at peace with myself in the totality of who I am, living in harmony with all that surrounds me and with life as it is now, and experiencing joy and bliss at all times. I see myself perfectly healthy and vibrant and strong, in perfect service to the Divine, united with my soul mate, creating beauty every day in various forms (music, photography, writing, etc.). I feel safe in this New Earth, and I feel loved.

The world I live in is one in which all life forms are respected and beloved, humans and other beings of nature live harmoniously together, and there is abundance for all; abundant health, abundant wealth, and abundant love. Each person knows that they are preciously unique and very loved; they experience joy, peace, self-love, freedom and fulfillment every day sharing their unique gifts, and each has a sense of belonging, feeling connected to the whole.

The air is pure, the waters are clean, the earth is rich and abundant with life providing us with unlimited resources as we respect her. Humans, plants, and animals thrive.

Joy, peace, love, harmony, and beauty are the qualities that all who live on this New Earth can expect at all times. Everyone is playful and has fun! It is exciting and fun to be here, manifesting effortlessly, radiating joy, living harmoniously with each other and with all living beings, in perfect service to the Divine, trusting in the perfection of each moment. There is nothing to fear or worry about because Life takes care of everything for us for our highest good. We are free to be authentically ourselves and shine our brilliant light. We are Divine beings and we live in a perfectly harmoniously orchestrated world of Love. We are Love. There is only Love.


(For information on the New Earth Family, an online community which embraces a new way of living harmoniously on this planet, please visit their website at