With chronic body ills, it feels as if there is constantly something wrong that needs fixing; some pain to alleviate, some emotion to release, some stress to reduce, some inner conflict to resolve, etc. Frankly, this fixing obsession is getting really old. In any case, life is forever bringing unexpected events and challenging circumstances so there is no escape from things going awry. I would like to allow Life to take care of everything for me and simply to let events unfold as they may, in other words, to release control. In truth, I don’t have control over life even though I think I do and constantly keep trying to control.
I am contemplating the idea that it doesn’t matter whether I feel good or bad, that there is a place inside me which is not attached to how things are in my life or in the world, and this part of me is really all that matters. I have felt this spaciousness and all-accommodating being-ness during meditation and it is powerful, strong, confident, un-shakeable. I am in the process of incorporating it into the rest of my daily life so that this meditative space is reachable whatever situation I find myself in.
The best way to find it is to feel my feet, straighten my spine and raise the top of my head. Immediately, there is a sense of connection with both earth and sky; I am but the lightning rod in between. I am allowing and opening so that energy can pass through me and then there is nothing to do. I release myself from changing the situation. All is well. Even my mistakes and imperfections are part of the perfection of the Universe. I am not wrong. My meditation teacher, Reggie Ray says that experience has a life of its own and needs to resolve itself. It helped me truly grasp that I am not in control and that experience is outside of “me.” It just exists through me.
This teaching was very helpful recently when I suffered another heart-breaking death of a pet cat. Jujube was struck by a car in exactly the same spot as my Little Dot exactly a year ago. Uncanny. The shock and the grief were much more bearable this time having learned much about acceptance and about connecting with the spirit of the loved one that transitioned. I found refuge in my body. My body felt and released the shock; my body showed me that experience was ordinary when I didn’t attach myself to mind’s contorting between past and future; my body allowed me to be at peace with this event. I kept coming back again and again to my power centre to experience the banality of the life that is continuing in spite of death. It felt just like any ordinary day where I experience all kinds of emotions and feelings moving through my body.
This way of living has become my path; there is always some trauma being released because I meditate and retrieve bits and pieces of my soul all the time and the traumas just flow through as long as the path is unimpeded. That is my continuing resolve for the rest of my life; stay on the path and allow, trusting that everything is happening for me and through me, nothing more.