Dealing with chronic health issues is a frustrating roller coaster ride; feeling even just a little better one day raises hope and then the downfall back to feeling worse brings on anger and discouragement. Over and over again I go up and down with my emotions. I am in joy when I can function and be with others comfortably. I am upset when once again I strain my back and need to lay low, cancel whatever was on the agenda, and wait it out. I am tired of the roller coaster; I want to get off.
I noticed that on the days I feel better and am moving around joyfully, there is a fear that comes up of hurting myself again. I push the fear away thinking that if I go there, I will create what I fear….. our thoughts create our reality, right?
Well, I realized recently that this fearful part of me is in need of much love for it stems from my childhood and the constant sense of anxiety around a volatile mother; I was always walking on egg shells around her not knowing when the next shoe would drop and all hell would break loose again. No wonder I am fearful when things go well. I expect wellness to end and am just waiting for the next calamity. I don’t have that relationship with my mother anymore and I love her dearly but it seems that I have re-created that expectation of being hurt at any moment by projecting it into my body; when will my body blow up and hurt me again?
So instead of pushing the fear away thinking it will cause the next physical breakdown, I hold my fearful child close to my heart and comfort her and let her know that all is well, that she is safe. Since she is the one who controls how I function in the world through my unconscious fears and patterns, then she is the one that needs my attention and focus. So the question is how can I provide her with the safety she needs?
Obviously, loving instead of pushing away is the first step, but I believe the most important part is for me to be in touch with my power, with my loving energy, to be for her the loving understanding supportive parent she needed back then, replacing the volatile frightening adults she has in her memory. When I listen to her fears I end up falling into them and exacerbating the issue. I become like a co-dependent sibling who just falls into the depths of despair with her. I need to stay detached yet understanding and compassionate.
So I connect to my energy, my true power and strength. I reach for my Higher Self, my Source. And really, there is nothing more to do than connect with Source for just the awareness of how I have perpetuated this old pattern will be transforming my future. I may or may not once again strain my back after some time of joy and freedom but now that I know the source of this roller coaster ride, I can be calm and loving about it. There is nothing more important for me right now than to find peace within and peace with all that is.